A lot on my mind...

Where do I begin today? I want to write about so many things...my American dream, my friends and the dilemma of trying to do things my way! Well about my American dream... it began about five to six years ago, on the roof top of my dental school dorm in India. It began out of the spirit of rebellion against the system which put so many restrictions and did not let us be! Little did we know what that dream entailed.... When I think of its inception I can't but laugh at our naivety. Ah the follies of a young heart! America did bring out the best and worst in me, it brought me out of the wonderland I was in. I before I banter on about what all it taught me about relationships I will put a stop to it. (Will come back to it someday, when i'm not so disappointed in them.) Well wanting to get into a dental school here in US has been what I have been pursing blindly for the last two and a half years now, along with that juggling a MBA! And when its the third time you get into a great school and still aren't sure if you will be there this summer it is like..........well a very rude joke!

I can't help but laugh....and in case you are wondering why am I laughing? I'm laughing at my helplessness and the irony of the situation. In India I used to think, I can make anything happen and once I get to Umrika there will be nothing holding me back. (yes yes .....)

Sometimes I wonder if my wanting this is so bad is unreasonable! Self doubt is a dangerous thing .... it grows on you like a virus...I'm trying to stay away from it as much as possible!

Oh well third time is a charm... let it be for me as well!

About my friends...well I don't really know why people behave the way they do! More on that later....

Another day in Paradise!

I'm back! You must be wondering why? No ulterior motive haha... Back from a real fun trip. I was practically kidnapped by my sister and bro-in-law on a trip to the Luray valley in Virgina. Inspite of my outright refusal to go with them, their pure enthusiasm and determination to get me out of my crabbiness won! Not that I'm allergic to fun, its just that the circumstances are rather peculiar. There is this constant voice at the back of my head, which accompanies me everywhere. It goes like "will I or will I not? If I do, will it be the right decision? If not, what do I do with my life?" Its a kill joy believe me! I wont really talk about it today. The limestone caves were fun, reminded me of Baratang caves in Andaman and Nicobar. Those were my first limestone caves. It was wonderful how there was no T-Mobil signal in the valley. It was so peaceful there. I almost wished for a few minutes about getting lost there somewhere. Spending the rest of my life as a farm gurl! Some thought. And it was very tempting for almost 5 minutes. On our was back we stopped at the Baltimore harbor. How I love the ocean and the mysteries it holds, it sure brings out the best in me. It was a great trip all in all, only if I could press a stop button.......

Insulted and humiliated.....all over again!

I do it to myself...... I wish I knew why. And each time it becomes more difficult to live with myself. I'm a victim of promises broken and in case you are wondering whose promises, they are just my own. I did not let even a week pass between now and then. Each time I indulge in some self pity, lots of tears and some new promises. But as they say third time is a charm and they also say three strikes and you are out!

I'll keep my fingers crossed for the first one!

.........

It is not important to die, sometimes you can just stop living!

Life is about making choices!

The answer to my last blog is .......... NO YOU CAN'T!! Moving on from there... I made a very hard choice today... believe me, hard not because I could be wrong about what I chose and I would have to live with the choice I made for the rest of my life, but because I will always live with the sense of loss for not choosing what could have been mine, of not knowing what would it have been like!! (WOW what a long sentence, but ya that speaks for the confusion in my head) Just why am I doing this? Well I can give you plenty of reasons make a zillion excuses but plain simple truth is FEAR.. fear of what if the things do not turn out the way I picture them to be, fear of what if I'm not the only one but just an alternative to the other not so good ones, or just a convenient option? Maybe my fears are baseless, but I'm a coward! Or I'm way strict with my self and I do not give myself the luxury of indulgence. Hahaha sounds too fancy, does it not?? Lets keep it simple... I'm a coward.
But yeah I will always wonder what would it have been like?

Can you get rid of your guardian angel?

Just a rhetorical question........ Well m back after like forever, n I dunno what possessed me to blog again.. Not that I have anything against it, just that I feel exposed or unzipped (you would know what m talking about if you read my first blog).... I just don't know how much to let on... and how much to keep to myself....what parts to stress on and well you know.......Back to why I'm here .... the question that has been bugging me... Can you get rid of your guardian angel? Jeez now m going to throw another one at you..( a question of course, just what were you thinking?? ) Is there even some some thing like a guardian angel or is it a effigy created by the this vulnerable hominid too strange for the path carved out for him?? The guardian angel does spice up things a tad bit and adds tons of drama!! ( Believe me on this one I have it on good authority ). So back to the question once more...( I'm unusually distracted today and a bit crabby, what would you expect at 4.30 in the morning and no I did not just wake up..... bear with me) I would like to know the answer fo so.......
Between, now that she ( guardian angel I mean ) is out of work officially ( times are bad I know but she wouldn't have complained even if she had to work without the compensation, ah for the want of asking )what does she do?
Not that she has much options...

She was there even before he knew she existed,
She would be there even after he let her go.

And another day........or was it the same?

Alright this is may be the hundredth line I'm writing. Where did the first ninety nine disappear? Well they were erased, doomed to be in oblivion! They weren't good enough or may be they were just too good! True reflections into my thoughts. Which is scary. I'm very scared to let my thoughts out..... not because I have done something wrong, and for once in life I do not doubt that even one percent, but because I'm unsure just how much to share. My mind these days is like a bottom less well. Now that is a strange analogy you must think, but you would understand what it means if you were me. There are so many unanswered questions in my mind. Shouting out for themselves, at strangers and then at some more strangers who were not so strange a little while ago or was it a long while. Ahhh.......... See how they keep coming, questions I mean. I wish they would stop for a while, I hope I would get some rest. That brings up another one, why all the misery? Why all the hurt? Each new day brings with itself a hope of improvement but leaves me disillusioned a little more. I hang on to hope for better times, and if God gave me one wish I would leave my mind behind and disappear into an abyss.